Emotions – part 2: Their influences, purposes, and uses

When you start to familiarise yourself with your emotions – how they feel, what sets them off, the thoughts and actions they’re linked to – you may start to notice patterns of emotions, thoughts, and behaviours.

Do certain situations start a snowball effect of emotion, thoughts and reactions?

Do particular emotions set off the same thoughts and behaviours every time?

Are these repeated patterns helpful or harmful to you?

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How your past and your memories influence your emotions

Emotions are often linked with past experiences and memories, and this can impact how you experience the emotions; like how intense it is, how long it lingers, and how it affects you.

This can lead us to fall into repeated patterns of emotions and emotional responses, which play out like a script. It can be very tricky to try to change the script even if we are aware of it being unhelpful.

For instance, using my example from Emotions: part 1, my feeling lonely used to be activated when people cancelled plans with me, regardless of their reasons for doing so. I recognised that my reaction was out of proportion to the situation – after all, I could understand that people sometimes need to or want to cancel plans – I do it too! And it’s completely acceptable to do so!

So why was I having such a strong emotional response to it?

I realised that this was linked with past experiences of being left out, ignored, and rejected, mostly when I was a teenager. So for me, feeling lonely is paired with these memories. With this understanding, it makes sense that loneliness makes me think I’m unloved and worthless, and want to isolate myself to protect myself from rejection.

Understanding how your scripts play out starts the process of changing entrenched emotional vicious cycles.

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How your emotions, thoughts, and behaviours influence each other

How you feel affects how you think and what you do. Likewise, how you think and what you do affect how you feel.

For instance, if you are feeling low, this may activate your “low mood script”, which might include having thoughts about your worthlessness, that no one cares about you, that you’re useless, life is pointless, etc. And it will activate your low mood behaviours, which may include isolating yourself, punishing or harming yourself mentally and/or physically, disengaging from activities, etc. These thoughts and behaviours are likely to make you feel lower. This vicious cycle often results in the feeling becoming much more distressing and debilitating than it was initially.

What do you think would happen if you deliberately thought or behaved in ways that don’t fit your usual script?

Emotions are almost impossible to control, and not easy to influence on their own – You can’t just tell yourself to stop feeling low. This is because emotions are regulated by our primitive brain – the limbic system. Throughout human evolution, our limbic system has been involved in mechanisms crucial for our survival, like triggering feelings of connection with our social group or the fight or flight response. It reacts subconsciously and quickly.

But, changing how we think and what we do when we feel emotional can have a huge impact on how we experience emotions.

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How your interpretation of emotions affects how you experience them

The judgment we make about different emotions can affect how we experience them and how distressing they are to us.

It can help to think about what your relationship with different emotions is.

Which emotions do you like feeling?

Which emotions do you try to avoid or suppress?

Which ones are you afraid of feeling?

Which emotions make you feel good about yourself?

Which ones make you criticise or hate yourself for feeling?

Personally, anger is a difficult emotion for me to express. I tend to feel irritation or annoyance, but only very rarely does it get intense enough for me to call it anger. Instead of feeling angry towards someone who has hurt or disrespected me, it tends to turn to sadness and self-criticism, like I must have done something to cause or deserve being hurt or disrespected. And if I do express my anger towards someone, I tend to feel guilty about it; even if it’s justified, it makes me feel like a bad person.

This is because of how I interpret anger; as a loss of control, as an act of aggression or violence. As a woman, I fear anger, because I associate it with threat and abuse, and with men who feel justified to harm women.

This interpretation of anger has perhaps kept me safe at times, but it has also resulted in me finding it difficult to tolerate and understand anger in others and in myself. At times, this has had a negative impact on me and my relationships.

I try my best now to acknowledge anger, express it when I’m feeling it, and listen when someone else is expressing it. I try not to judge it in such a negative way. After all, anger is a completely reasonable emotion to feel at times. And it isn’t the anger itself that makes someone threatening, it’s how they act on it.

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Emotions help with communication & connection

Whilst training in mental health work, teachers told us again and again to connect with clients’ emotions rather than with their story. Because emotions are universal, we can connect on an emotional level and understand each other, even if we haven’t experienced the same things in life.

We have a tendency to believe that someone who hasn’t had a similar experience could never understand us or how we feel. I don’t think this is true. If we’re open to listen to what someone is feeling without judgment, we can have a better understanding of what they are going through than if we have been through the same experience and assume we know just how they feel.

Everyone experiences things differently, with their own past, interpretations, and relationships influencing them. So even if we experienced the exact same situation, how could I possibly know how it makes you feel? I could hazard a guess based on how I felt, but it’s unlikely that we would have the exact same experience of it.

Hence why therapists are mocked about so frequently asking: “And how does that make you feel?”

Understanding one another’s emotions is what allows us to empathise and form social bonds with each other.

The simple act of sharing how we feel with someone can deepen our connection with them.

By communicating emotions, we can also help each other to regulate our emotions.

For instance, when you’re sad and someone comforts you or cheers you up, or you’re angry or anxious and someone calms you or reassures you.

Emotions help us react appropriately to other people, which not only helps with social connection, emotion regulation, but can also keep us safe.

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Emotions as signals – changing how you respond to your emotions

Emotions signal to us that our needs are not being met.

While it might seem like a good idea to ignore them, if we don’t address what they are signalling, they tend to keep bubbling up to the surface.

On the other hand, if we listen to what our emotions are trying to tell us, understand which of our needs are not being met, and respond by taking action to meet them, it will change how we feel.

This is easier said than done, but, with time and practice, you can become an expert at understanding and responding to your emotions in a helpful and healthy way (if you don’t do so already!).

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The psychologist Maslow’s hierarchy of needs sets out the different physical and psychological needs to reach our full potential. 

Using the hierarchy of needs, I’ve created the table below to share which needs are being signalled by different feelings, and ways to respond to meet those needs. Please note that this is my interpretation of my emotions and needs, so while it may be similar for you, it may also be different, particularly with how you respond to meet your needs.

Feeling	Signals	Needs indicated
Sadness Grief	I’m experiencing loss – loss of role, loss of freedom, loss of connection, bereavement, etc.	Belongingness and love Esteem
Response	Acknowledge the pain I’m feeling Give myself time to heal and accept the loss Seek comfort from loved ones Reflect on what I’ve learnt/gained from my experience before the loss and from the loss itself Re-evaluate my values (loss can influence our values) and focus on reflecting them in my life
Hurt Disappointment	My expectations haven’t been met, I’ve been let down or I let myself down	Belongingness and love Esteem Safety
Response	Evaluate my expectations of others – Are they reasonable? – and how I communicate my needs What was the other person’s intention? Did they intend to hurt me? – If so, establish boundaries to keep myself safe – If not, communicate my needs and try to reach shared understanding Evaluate my expectations of myself – Are they reasonable? Adjust my expectations if needed Can my needs be met in another way? With someone else?
Loneliness	I feel alone, I don’t feel understood, accepted, or valued, I don’t have enough support	Belongingness and love Safety
Response	Connect with friends, family, loved ones, or people I share interests or values with Remind myself of my connectedness, remind myself that I’m not alone Ask for help and/or professional support
Fear Anxiety*	I’m under threat or in danger	Safety
Response	Evaluate the threat – Is it valid/reasonable? – If so – avoid, escape, (fight if needed) – If not – challenge myself to confront my fear/anxiety, remind myself that there is no valid reason to be anxious, breathe, remind myself that the feeling will pass
Anger	Unfairness, injustice, disagreement, my boundaries have been violated, I haven’t been respected	Esteem Safety
Response	Evaluate the situation (I might need to cool down first) What was the other person’s intention? What is their perspective? Has there been a miscommunication or misunderstanding? Clarify my boundaries and communicate/assert them clearly – If my boundaries continue to be violated, either accept it and cut ties with them, or get support from others – loved ones, HR, the authorities – to fight back If anger is directed at a system rather than a person: Evaluate whether I can do anything to create change – If so – do it – If not – let it go
Embarrassment Shame	There is something wrong with me, I feel inadequate, I’m not accepted	Belongingness and love Esteem
Response	Evaluate where the shame comes from – What self-beliefs are linked to it? Where do they come from? Do they come from me, my upbringing, or society? Are they valid? Are they helpful? – If not – think about changing my self-beliefs to more accurately represent what matters to me Practice self-acceptance – remind myself I’m a whole person, with both strengths and weaknesses Remind myself that I have a place in the world (even if it isn’t where I am right now) Share the shame – lots of people feel shame about similar things, use this to connect with others and the shame will reduce
Guilt	I’ve done something wrong, I’ve made a mistake, my actions don’t reflect my values or goals	Esteem Belongingness and love
Response	Evaluate where the guilt comes from – Have I really done something wrong? What was my intention? – If I’ve genuinely done something wrong, what can I do to put it right? What can I learn from this? What can I do differently next time? What can I do to feel better about myself? How can I better reflect my values or goals? What self-beliefs are linked to my guilt? Are they valid? Helpful? – If not – think about changing my self-beliefs to more accurately represent what matters to me Sometimes people try to make us feel guilty for being assertive, setting boundaries, or practicing self-care – if this is the case, remind myself that I have the right and the responsibility to look after myself.
Stress	I feel overwhelmed, burned out, I don’t have control	Safety Esteem
Response	Evaluate what is stressing me out Prioritise what needs to be done – use lists, start small, avoid procrastination Let go of concerns outside of my control Manage my expectations and be flexible – if possible, reduce my workload or give myself more time Don’t catastrophise – remind myself that I can only do what I can do Ask for support Don’t forget to practice self-care, take breaks, go outside to refresh my mind
Low Depressed*	I feel low, unmotivated, worthless, hopeless, helpless, disconnected, my needs are not being met, I don’t have control over my life	Esteem Belongingness and love Safety Physiological needs
Response	Are my physical needs being met? – Am I eating well? Am I sleeping enough? Am I exercising? Am I practicing self-care? – Remind myself that how I feel physically affects how I feel mentally and make it my mission to look after myself to my best ability (given my current state of mind) Are my psychological needs being met? – Have I been in nature recently? Do I feel safe? Am I connected to people? Do I belong? Do I feel accepted and valued? Do I have control over my life? Does my way of life reflect my values and goals? Am I engaging in activities that interest me or that I find meaningful? – Start taking small steps towards meeting my needs and towards feeling more connected to people, to nature, to meaningful activity, to my values and goals Remind myself that change is always possible – focus on what I can change and try to let go of concerns that are out of my control Ask for help and/or professional support

*Please note that I’m talking about feeling depressed and feeling anxious, which everyone experiences at times. Whilst I think these points are still valid for those experiencing clinical depression or anxiety, there may be underlying causes that need to be addressed as well. Please seek professional support.

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As you can see, responding to emotions as signals for unmet needs involves a lot of reflection, and questioning your feelings, thoughts, and urges. It may involve doing the opposite of what you’re used to doing or want to do. Remember that it takes time and persistence to change patterns, so be gentle and patient with yourself. Please get in touch if you have any questions or would like individualised support with managing your emotions.

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References and further reading

For more information on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs: https://www.simplypsychology.org/maslow.html

Check out this TED talk in which Johann Hari explores depression and anxiety in terms of unmet psychological needs: https://www.ted.com/talks/johann_hari_this_could_be_why_you_re_depressed_or_anxious?language=en

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2018/jan/07/is-everything-you-think-you-know-about-depression-wrong-johann-hari-lost-connections

Further reading about managing emotions: https://www.skillsyouneed.com/ps/managing-emotions.html

Woodhaven Hospital – Emotional Coping Skills workbook (copy and paste link into browser to obtain pdf): http://www.southernhealth.nhs.uk/EasysiteWeb/getresource.axd?AssetID=72906&type=Full&servicetype=Attachment

James J. Gross (2015) Emotion Regulation: Current Status and Future Prospects, Psychological Inquiry, 26:1, 1-26, DOI: 10.1080/1047840X.2014.940781